


A Bumpy Beginning

by Brianna182



Series: A Derek Morgan and Spencer Reid love story [1]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Eventual Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mention of Emily's 'death', Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-10-02 17:24:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17268290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brianna182/pseuds/Brianna182
Summary: As the team track down Ian Doyle to gain revenge and closure for Emily's death, Reid finds himself struggling to deal with the loss and with the addition of more bad news does something he may not live to regret.Meanwhile will Morgan finally confess to Reid his true feelings towards him or will it be to late to do so.





	A Bumpy Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Quick disclaimer: This fic contains a rather detailed description a suicide attempt and self harm so if you are easily triggers i ask you do not read as i would hate for this to inspire anyone to do something similar.  
> Also obviously i don't own any rights etc for any existing character mentioned in this work, the only thing that is solely mine is the story line not those that star in it.  
> Also one last quick disclaimer, i have a mild learning disorder and it effects my spelling and grammar to a certain extent, eg: i struggle to tell the difference between the different 'theres'. So if there are any spelling mistakes or grammar mistakes i apologies, this has been spell checked numerous times but there will likely be stuff i missed.

Morgan has been able to cope with Emily’s death by exacting revenge in the form of carrying out his own case, in an attempt to track down and arrest or kill Ian Doyle.  
And I helped in this process but even as we got closer to finding him it hasn’t helped at all with my grief like I had hoped and like I had seen it benefit Derek.  
And when we finally caught a break having found his son and put surveillance on him (as Doyle would no doubt be trying to find him also and likely was not far off) I was invested in the case and the desire to bring justice to the man who killed my friend, but I was really beginning to fear that finding him wouldn’t fill the hole in my heart or cure the pain I have been feeling since the loss.  
And today we bought him in.  
We almost killed him and I know it was hard for Morgan not to pull the trigger but as we closed in on him we were made aware that our protection over his son and guardian had been breached. The maid who bought him up as her own had been killed and the boy taken by an unknown person. Due to this we had to apprehend him and bring him in for questioning, meaning while we still had the job of ensuring his son is bought back safe the mission to arrest Doyle was complete, yet it didn’t feel like the success I had hoped for.  
He wasn’t involved in his sons’ disappearance and so far was of no help in our many interrogations trying to find out who would have taken him from the long list of enemies he had gathered over the years.  
I had interviewed him to try to narrow down the list of possible suspects but even after illuminating half of them over a hundred remained and time was running out with the fear he might be dead becoming ever more likely as well as the fact lots of Doyles enemies where from overseas and could be out of the country with the kid by now.  
As I was looking over all the evidence we had and all the remaining enemies left (that made up a way too large for liking suspect pool) I ended up slamming my head on the table as I fell asleep staring at suspect photos. I am at the coffee machine now and Hotch comes over looking as frustrated as I am about the many road blocks we are facing all of which are just setting us back tenfold causing time to run out faster then we could afford.  
“Spencer you look buggered and can’t even stay awake. Go home get some rest and come back when you have recharged you will be able to think clearer and use that incredible brain of yours better after some rest.”  
“But we haven’t saved Declan yet.” I protest.  
“If we get any leads I will ring you and you can come in to help. But you need some rest and that’s an order.”  
I don’t argue there no point and I also know he is right so I take my bag and go to head off.  
“I don’t care if I have only had a minutes sleep, if something breaks in the case I want to know.”  
“I know, I will ring you as soon as we get a lead. We have someone close to Doyle called in from overseas intelligence who will be arriving soon and we hope to get a lead from that interrogation and from there personal knowledge so if we do I will call you in.”  
I am happy with his response so go to leave grabbing my discarded phone from my office and checking it for any missed calls. I notice there’s one from my mother’s doctor and go into an empty conference room to listen to the voice message.  
“Hello Dr Spencer Reid, its Dr Simons, Diana’s doctor, and I just thought I’d ring to let you know that after your concerns about your mothers memory we sent her for some tests as per your request and am sorry to inform you but your suspicions were correct. Your mother has diagnosed early onset dementia. You must be busy at the moment but when your next free feel free to ring up and we can discuss plans for her future care to support her with her new diagnoses.”  
I drop the phone and sit down trying to process the news I just received as it didn’t feel real and I sure as hell didn’t want it to be. The last few months I had noticed the early signs of the disorder but just thought they were caused by her schizophrenia worsening but the more the symptoms showed the more I began to question if they were related to her mental health or possibly something new. In retrospect all signs pointed towards dementia hence why I had asked her to be tested for it, I just didn’t want to be right but like usual I was. And the news hit me like a ton of bricks and soon the tears came and god they did not want to stop.  
I just lost Emily and now my mum. She is still alive, yes, but the last time I saw her she didn’t even recognize me and I know the disorder will only progress from here and soon she won’t remember me at all. She and the team are all I have and now I have lost her and the team seems to be dropping like flies, first Gideon and now Emily.  
And suddenly I have made up my mind.  
I open the door and walk right into the last person I want to see right now.  
“Hey Pretty Boy whats wrong, are you crying?”  
“Nothing, just tired. There’s been road works out front of my joint for a week and I haven’t had much sleep. I am going home now for a nap.” I reply and he does to, but i ignore it as I have places to be and things to be doing and the last thing I need is to be stopped, especially by Morgan.  
I push past him and dash to the lift, which luckily closes before Derek can board and once on the ground level rush out the door and flag a taxi.  
As soon as I am home the water works are back on and this time I don’t hold back letting the floodgates open and the sobs escape.  
I am tired, angry and hurt and as I pace anxiously around my small living room I see a small collection of framed photos on the wall and it only makes the pain worsen.  
Smiling along with myself are photos of me with the team standing alongside a now dead Emily Prentiss and next to that is one of Gideon smiling next to me after having just bet me chess. He is not dead but he may as well have been, he literally just got up and left like my father did, except I never expected that from him like I did my father. And then last but not least a photo of my mum when I went to visit her for Christmas last year, an occasion that also happen to be my last memory I have of her when she actually new who I was. These pictures all used to make me smile. Now they just remind me of the people I have lost and in anger I throw each one off the wall not caring as they smash to pieces on the floor.  
I am sick and tired of loosing people I love and I was really hoping bringing Doyle in would at least make things feel better but I just feel more alone now then ever before and I refuse to loose anyone ever again.  
And with that being said I new I had to be the next to go.  
We all die one day and I always new in our line of work the risk of dying on the job was higher then most other job and I really don’t want to risk loosing someone else on the team and having to deal with the hurt and lose it brings. So I lift up the loose floorboard under the mat and pull out the stash of dialude I had stopped using years ago and rolled up my sleeve.  
Using my belt to slow blood flow I find a vein close to the surface and take a deep breath in before piercing it for the first time in what seems like forever.  
I can’t deal with any more pain and while it may be selfish I don’t care right now and just want out. At least this way I won’t be around long enough to loose anyone else and the team is strong enough to go on with out me, a quality I clearly don’t poses. And as for my mum she wouldn’t even miss me even if she tried, after all she has already forgotten she has a son.  
And with that I injected the entire syringe of dialude into my vein followed by another full syringe and another until all the 8 vials I had are empty and my head is swimming.

Morgans POV  
I am walking through the bullpen on the way to the interrogation room to see if any progress has been made when I walk smack bang into Reid who upon looking at I realize looks like shit and is possibly crying.  
“Hey Pretty Boy what’s wrong, are you crying?”  
“Nothing, just tired. There’s been road works out front of my joint for a week and I haven’t had much sleep. I am going home now for a nap.”  
I don’t believe him. Yes he is tired but road works? I could have come up with a better excuse then that. Plus his eyes were brimming with tears and I new there was more to it then he was letting on.”  
“Talk to me kid.” I say but he ignores me, pushing past and make a v line to the lift that I missed and by the time a new one came up and I was on the ground floor searching for him he was gone.  
He may have been telling the truth. Maybe there was road works that has been interrupting his sleep but I have worked countless long cases with him on fuck all sleep and never have I seen him cry over it. There was more to it then that and I wasn’t going to let him run away from me like he runs away from all his problems. He knows we are always here to help but he never takes our help and for that I worry about him.  
I think about the case we are on, and I think about the tears in Spencer’s eyes. I have two options and I know one is life threatening but I can’t help but fear that Spencer’s life may also be threatened. So with that nagging fear and the knowledge everyone in the FBI are trying to find Declan I decide they can go with out my help until I know Reid’s okay and I run to my car, put the sirens on and speed as fast as I can to his house.  
Once at his street I notice Spencer actually wasn’t lying as it was blocked off by machinery and road works and I swore and hit the steering wheel in frustration. Despite knowing Spencer didn’t lie I still doubting the lack of sleep caused him to cry and chucked the car into reverse and sped off to find a new entry point to his street. After weaving in and out of small one-way streets and getting stuck behind cars that ignored my sirens and road rage I finally pulled up to his house still sensing something wasn’t right and ran up to his apartment floor two steps at a time.  
When I got there the door was locked so I called out his name not once but 6 times and after no response took a small run up to charge at the door kicking it open with my foot.  
Stepping in I see Spencer slumped against a coffee table a needle still in his arm barely conscious surrounded my broken picture frames and shattered glass.  
“SPENCER NO! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?”  
I get down to his level and remove the needle hanging from his bruised inner arm and he stirs only just noticing my presents.  
“Reid how much have you taken?” Panic rises in my chest and my voice wavers in fear of how he will answer.  
He just lifts his head to look at me and whispers pleading with desperate eyes “Leave me along. I’ll be fine.”  
“FINE? REID YOU’RE USING AGAIN!” I didn’t mean to be angry but how could he look me in the eyes and tell him he is fine.  
His pupils are dilated, he is sweating up a storm while simultaneously shaking like he is freezing and the way he is starring at the wall makes it seem like he is on a different plain of reality then I am.  
“Spencer” I say more calmly knowing yelling at him wouldn’t get me far.  
“How long have you been using? There’s months worth of empty vials here. Have you been using since Emily died?”  
He shakes his head and anger rises in me again. “DON’T LIE TO ME REID.”  
“I’m not.” He seems out of breath and his eyes are droopier by the second and my heart stops as I realize what he is implying.”  
I grab out my phone and call 911.  
“Its too late Morgan. Just let me go.” He struggles to get out while trying to give a reassuring smile but I ignore him and start screaming down the line Spencer’s address and the fact he has overdosed.  
Oh god. My pretty boy has tried to kill himself.  
As per the request of the operator I stay on the line to convey his condition while the ambulance comes but I need to be with him so I put it on speaker and crawl over to his pale and sweat soaked body right as he begins to slump.  
“Spencer stay with me okay.” I am sobbing and he is gasping for air as I start to scream for the ambulance to hurry.  
Then just like that, he stops gasping for air and it becomes dead silent as I reach in fear for his wrist only to find no pulse and my own heart just about stops in my chest as well.  
“NO SPENCER. COME ON, COME BACK TO ME!”  
I tare open his shirt to find the center of his chest and start doing compressions thirty at a time with two breaths blown into his lungs in the intervals. I am screaming both in frustration and at the women on the phone who assures me the ambulance is almost there.  
“ALMOST HERE IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. HIS HEARTS HAS STOPPED AND I HAVE BEEN DOING CPR FOR 5 MINUTES NOW. I NEED PAREMEDICS NOW!”  
“I am sorry sir but the ambulance has had to re-rout due to road works, I need you to stay calm and continue compressions until they arrive.”  
“STAY CALM. MY BEST FRIEND IS DEAD!”  
I hear a rib crack as a push harder hoping for his heart to pick up and scream when it doesn’t. I have done cpr on numerous people but never has someone survive after this long with out a heart beat no matter how long after the five minute mark I have persisted.  
“SPENCER NO PLEASE, I LOVE YOU, COME BACK TO ME MAN. ITS NOT YOUR TIME, ITS NOT YOUR TIME!”  
Right as all hope seemed lost Spencer’s body jolted forward and the next thing you know he is coughing and vomiting as he gasped wildly looking around in shock.  
“OH MY GOD, THANK GOD.” I don’t care he is covered in sweat and now vomit I pick his limp and shaking body up and squeeze him refusing to let go.  
“HE’S BACK. HE’S BREATHING.” I shout to the women I almost forgot was on the phone.  
“Good job the ambulance is almost here, hold on.” She sounds relieved but my relief is short lived when Reid pushes himself out of my arms and grabs a shard of glass holding is dangerously close to his throat.  
“REID NO!” He looks sorry but doesn’t flinch just holds the glass in shaking hands to his throat almost hard enough to draw blood.  
“I am so sorry Derek. This was never supposed to happen. You were never supposed to be here. I’d hate for you to see this, you don’t deserve that so please, for me, look away.”  
“Spencer I know what you’re going through, I miss her to. But this won’t bring her back and this isn’t what she would want.”  
“You don’t understand Morgan, everyone leaves. I don’t have many people I care about but every time I let one of them in I loose someone and I am sick of the hurt. My dad left and I could deal with that, hell I even managed to somehow deal with Gideon living but loosing Emily and now my mum, it’s too much.”  
“Your mum? I didn’t know. But Reid this isn’t the answer and you know that.”  
“She isn’t dead but she may as well be, she has literally forgotten who I am. The dementia appeared and then took everything she had so suddenly. Tell me Morgan what is the point. I let people in and it destroys me. For the love of god Derek I love someone who will never love me back, I am an unlovable nobody and I have nothing left to live for and you know it.”  
“Spencer Reid listen to me, you are so so loved and not just by me but by everyone on the team. I can’t loose you pretty boy you mean too much to me.”  
“I am sorry, I wish I could believe you, I really do.” I see a drop of blood role down his neck as he pushed the glass in luckily not deep enough as he seems to hesitate.  
“Spencer.” I inch closer trying not to startle him or set him off but trying to get closer so as to snatch the glass from him.  
“Derek Morgan I love you and I am sorry but its over. I have screwed up by failing already and if I don’t succeed at killing myself then I live but I loose my job and then I really have lost everything. Please understand how sorry I am and let the others know I love them and am sorry.”  
And as I see another drop of blood leave his neck I pounce risking it all and luckily knocking the glass from his hand.  
He is screaming and hitting me as I grab him and rock him back and forth as he curses me for saving his life. Telling me to go to hell for not letting him go there first and of all the heartbreaking things I have heard since kicking down his door hearing how mad he is at me for saving his life hurt the most.  
There is crying, a lot of it from the both of us and he thrashes in protest until he stops resisting due to probable exhaustion. But as I pull him off of my chest I see his arms that were previously hitting me on the back in hysterics.  
The arm with his belt around it with an exposed and recently injected vein had been slashed open and the glass that has caused it was hanging loosely in Spencer’s hand.  
My worst nightmares were coming true and my screams were all but deafening as I lay him down and put as much pressure on it as I could.  
“NOOO!” I was going to be sick, the blood wouldn’t stop and soon Reid was convulsing underneath me. Right as all seemed lost paramedics rushed in, peeling me off of him and attending to his wound and rapidly slowing heart beat.  
“Sir his condition is too critical for you to ride along. We will be at Saint Anthony’s if you wanted to meet us there.”  
I wanted to argue but they whisked him away before I could and now I stand speechless looking down at the drugs and glass my friend had just tried to end his life with. And the vomit and blood that only aided in distressing me more.  
I fall to my knees and find myself hyperventilating like I haven’t since I was a kid and helpless at the hands of a monster.  
Through the sound of myself gasping for the air I hear a phone buzzing and I fumble around until I find it and press answer.  
“Hey Reid its JJ, we know who has Declan and are going to use your suggestion and swap him over for Doyle as they are about to leave the country and we don’t have any other option with the little time we have. Meet us at the west side private airfield as soon as you can and do you know where Morgan is, we can’t find him anywhere and he is not picking up his phone.”  
I can’t breath let alone answer and JJ seems to realize someone’s hyperventilating and chimes in.  
“Spence what’s wrong? You’re scaring me.”  
I hear her call Spencer by the nickname only she has ever used and it all becomes too much.  
“JJ” That’s all I get out before throwing up my guts and falling into hysterics.  
“Morgan is that you? What’s wrong? Where’s Spence?”  
I try to find the words but I can’t bring myself to say them and this only worries JJ more.  
“DEREK MORGAN WHAT IS GOING ON? WHAT HAPPENED TO REID?”  
“Saint Anthony’s” Was all I managed to say before hanging up and leaping to my feet. I was down the flight of stairs and in my car sirens blaring in a matter of seconds and in less than 5 minutes I had made the 10-minute drive to the hospital.  
I pulled up, flung the door open and left the keys in making a mad dash to the emergency reception and flashing my shield.  
“I NEED TO SEE SPENCER REID.”  
“I am sorry but even if this is police business I can’t let you in to see him.”  
“WHY NOT!” Technically it was a question but I didn’t care for the answer trying to push past the security to the trauma ward regardless.  
“SIR, YOU CAN’T GO DOWN THERE!” The security guard is bigger then me and stops me from entering despite my persistence.  
“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND, I NEED TO SEE HIM!”  
“I’ve got this.” Said I voice from behind me and I freeze as I realize whom it is.“  
“Derek. Going back there won’t help him. I know it sucks but you have to wait here and let the doctors do their job.” She says this while pulling me aside to an empty surgical room she is aloud into after flashing her credentials and as soon as the door shuts my legs begin to give way.  
Not able to hold me up she guides me to sit on the floor and then with tears speaks as though she is scared to.  
“What happened to my Spence?” Her heartbreak is obvious and I haven’t even given the heart breaking news yet.  
“He died JJ, he died in my arms and I bought him back. But he is dying again and I am so so scared he won’t pull through this time.”  
“What.” It was barely audible and sounded as though she didn’t believe or at least didn’t want to.  
“I saw him leave the station and something wasn’t right so I followed him. Oh god JJ when I got to his place it was too late, I was too late.”  
“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, WHAT HAPPENED?” She was screaming now and I didn’t blame her.  
“He overdosed JJ.” I was starting to hyperventilate again but I tried to keep it together as I saw the entire colour drain from her face.  
“He what?” she asked but I didn’t respond as I new she heard me just wished she hadn’t.  
“This is all my fault.”  
“No its not JJ you can’t talk like that.”  
“No it is my fault. This would never have happened if he only new the truth.”  
“What?” now it was my turned to be speechless and confused.  
“OH GOD. THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.”  
“IF HE ONLY NEW WHAT JJ! WHAT ARE YOU NOT TELLING ME.”  
“Derek.” She paused looking kind of fearful to say the next words.  
“I am so sorry Morgan. I should have told you, I should have told everyone but no one could no, I thought I was doing the right thing.”  
She couldn’t look at me as she said what came next.  
“Morgan, Emily’s alive.”  
I thought I’d already thrown up all the contents in my stomach but I guess I thought wrong as I hurled at the sound of the news that’s whilst happy made me sick to the stomach.  
“Morgan, I am so sorry.” She reached for me but in blind rage I shoved her back and went to yell but found myself speechless.  
“If I new he was using again or even considering it I would have told him but my orders where to keep it a secret until Doyle wasn’t a threat and I new he was struggling but I would have never kept it from his if I new it was this bad.”  
“WELL YOUR DECISION TO NOT JUST LIE TO HIM BUT TO LIE TO THE WHOLE DAMN TEAM, WHO YOU SHOULD HAVE FUCKING TRUSTED TO KEEP A SECRET LED TO THIS AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION THIS WASN’T AN ACCIDENT.”  
She looked physically wounded but I wasn’t done as rage was seeping out of every pore on my body.”  
“HE TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF JJ, AND HE FUCKING SUCCEEDED AND WOULD BE DEAD RIGHT NOW FOR GOOD IF I HADN’T WALKED IN ON HIM WITH HIS EIGHT FUCKING SYRINGE WORTH OF DILAUDID HANGING FROM HIS ARM. AND THATS NOT ALL HE CUT OPEN A VEIN IN HIS FORARM WITH A SHARD OF GLASS FROM A BROKEN PICTURE OF EMILY. JJ THE LAST TIME I SAW HIM HE WAS BLEEDING OUT AND CONVULSING ON A STRETCHER AS THE PARAMEDICS DID CRP ON HIM LIKE I HAD ONLY MINUTES BEFOREHAND!”  
The room become silent as I a came down from my rage trying to even my breathing and soon the silence was broken by small sobs that escalated and became louder and louder.  
“I’m sorry JJ, that wasn’t fair.” I embraced her in a hug still partly blaming her but feeling guilty for my outburst.  
“No it was fair, I should have told him. This is all my fault.”  
“This is as much your fault as it is mine. I too should have told him.”  
“Told him what Derek, I am the one who has been letting him and everyone else think our friend is dead when I have know all alone she is alive. If I had have just told him this might never had happened.”  
“You know one the last things he said to me was that he is an unlovable nobody and has have nothing left to live for. If I had only told him the truth, let him know how much he is loved.”  
“I know Morgan. I love him too. He is like a brother to me I don’t know what I’d do without him and I know I speak for everyone when I say he is so so loved by everyone who has had the pleasure of getting to know him, the team in particular.”  
“You don’t understand JJ, I love him! And even if he doesn’t love me back, maybe if he new what he means to me and how I feel he wouldn’t have felt that way. If only I had the balls to tell him we might not be in this situation waiting to hear if he is dead or not.”  
Silence fills the room again and JJ pulls away slightly to look me in the eye.  
“I didn’t know. But Derek this isn’t the end. Unless we hear otherwise Spence will pull through this because he is the strongest guy I know. And I will tell him the truth and you can to. Its not too late Morgan he is a fighter and you know that.”  
I cling on to JJ’s words like they are a lifeline because in all honesty I think they are and we sit there quietly sobbing for as least another 30 minutes.  
“You know if he makes it.”  
“WHEN he makes it.” JJ interrupted but I couldn’t repeat it in fear of getting my hopes up and getting hurt.  
“If he makes it the others can’t know. I mean they will obviously find out but they can’t know he tried to kill himself only that he ‘accidently overdosed’. JJ you should have been there, when he was holding the glass to his throat he was seriously scared. I could tell he had regretted what he had started but he told me himself he had to succeed. He said if he failed and survived he would loose his job and then he really wouldn’t have anything left. And he is wrong, he has so much more to live for then this job but he is right in that if Hotch finds out he tried to end his life he would have no choice but lay him off and that would kill him. If he makes it, they can’t know the truth. Please you have lied before to help one of the team, do it again JJ, for Reid, I beg of you.”  
She didn’t despond straight away as she considered what I said but nodded if a little hesitantly and I signed in relief.  
“I understand. I will do that. But only if he gets help and I believe he is safe. But the second I have my doubt Hotch finds out.”  
“Thank you.” I whisper slightly shocked she understood.  
“Trust me when he wakes up I am booking him into the best clinic I can find and even with the team being in the dark his doctors won’t so that they know the truth and can best help him. And when he is out and back home I will sleep on his couch until I trust him to take a piss on his own. I have made the mistake of letting him down and letting him struggle on his own once and I will not do it again.”  
“I like that.”  
“Like what?”  
“You said ‘when he wakes’.”  
“Oh.”  
“Hey its okay Morgan, its okay to hope. Hope won’t kill you and it may save Reid.”  
“It better.”  
“It will.” She smiled and I let myself believe her or at least hope she was right and as if on queue a doctor opened the door and cleared his throat.  
“Doctor Spencer Reid lost a lot of blood and is still very weak from the drug overdose but he is going to make it.”  
I cried in response but for once it was happy tears mixed with relief and shock.  
As the doctor left JJs phone rang and he put it on loudspeaker holding my hand as we entered a conversation no one wanted to start and the recipients surely didn’t want or expect to hear.  
“Hey JJ its Hotch. Where are you? I assume your with Reid and Morgan on the way to the airport but don’t worry about it, we got there first and got Declen back safe and sound and Doyle was shot dead. You don’t need to worry about coming into work, as I am about to send everyone home as all paper work can wait until tomorrow. Thanks for your help, we couldn’t have done this with out you.”  
“Hotch come to Saint Anothonys. Reid’s in hospital.”  
The phone was silent on the other end for a minute and I wondered if he had heard her.  
“What happened?” He must have been on loudspeaker as that answer came from a frightened sounding Garcia.  
“He overdoes on dilaudid.” There was a loud sobbing assumedly from Penelope before the line went dead and I looked at JJ sadly.  
“Thank you. I promise you won’t regret this lie. You’ve done the right thing, just like you did for Emily. I am still mad about Emily but I understand why you did what you did and I am glad you understand too and I know the team will too when it is time for them to find out.”  
“Don’t thank me. I lied to him and it hurt him and this is the least I can do. Now lets go see how he is doing.”  
We enter the room and JJ freezes upon seeing him for the first time in this state and I don’t blame her. He is stick thin and deathly pale. He has stiches in the inside of his left arm and a bandage on his neck. There is both a blood bag and an iv attached to his left and undamaged arm and a heart monitor beeping loud but steadily only serving as a reminder of what he had done and how close he had come to dying.  
“I don’t want visitors!” Reid snapped at a nurse by his bed monitoring him but JJ pushed her FBI credentials in the nurses face and sat on his bed regardless.  
“The rest of the team is on their way. You don’t have to see them if you don’t want to but if you refuse then I might just have to tell them the truth.”  
“What?”  
“Spence, I have something to tell you and you may hate me for it and I accept that but it may also change how you feel in general and its with that hope that I am keeping your suicide a secret. The team will only find out about the overdoes and as far as they are aware it was an accidental overdoes.”  
“Thank you.” He was clearly genuinely shocked.  
“Don’t thank me Spence, Morgan’s the one who convinced me it was best the team thought this was an accident. After all I don’t deserve to be thanked after what I am about to tell you.”  
He looked at me and then back at JJ who reluctantly began.  
“Spence, I am really sorry I lied to you, and everyone else. I was going to tell you eventually I just didn’t think it was safe yet to tell anyone but I was wrong and I know I should have told you as I trust you and I know I screwed up.  
Spence Emily’s alive.”  
He didn’t say anything but the monitor next to him started beating loudly indicating his heart was racing rapidly and his face read shocked and betrayed.  
A nurse injected him with something and he calmed down almost instantly except the crying, which even as the hyperventilating stopped only grew louder.  
JJ cried too and then excused herself leaving me alone and starting to panic.  
“Spencer when you’re ready to leave hospital I am sending you to a clinic that the team will be under the impression is for you drug habit. I know this is the first time you have used in years and I trust you can stop on your own but that’s not why I am sending you to a clinic.  
You need help Spencer and I know you are mad right now and trust me I was too when I found out but the point is she is alive Reid and that’s all that matters. This may change things like JJ and I have discussed and hope but just because her death contributed to today’s actions does not mean I believe your safe now that you have her back.  
I need you to go into this clinic and work on all the things you confided to me when I bought you back from death.  
I need you to help yourself so that this never happens again no matter what happens or who you loose. Because I know this might sound selfish but I can’t loose you and I know you understand what its like to loose people. You lost Gideon and then thought you lost Emily and you did something you shouldn’t have but don’t think you are the only one who took the news badly. I too am just one more dead friend away from taking a piece of broken glass to my neck but can you imagine if I did that and you lost me? I can’t loose you, it would hurt too much and your damn well lucky I plan to lie to the team about what happened tonight but believe me when I say this, if you don’t try to help yourself then they will find out and you may in fact loose your job and I know that’s not what you want. This is harsh I am aware of that but I am just doing what I have to in order to keep you alive. You died in my arms today Reid and I refuse to let that happen again.”  
It came out more harsh and rude then I intended but he needed to know I wasn’t making the decision to lie about his intents tonight lightly and if he didn’t try to recover from the depression he acted on then there would be consequences and he also needed to know I was mad. He tried to leave because he couldn’t handle the loss he had experienced but he was just going to leave me and worse yet literally die right in front of me just so he wouldn’t have to loose anyone again. Well that would have meant loosing someone I loved and I was not okay with that in the slightest.  
“Derek.” He paused taking in every desperate word I had just drilled into him.  
“I am so sorry.  
I regretted what I was doing the instant it started to work and I was just so scared of surviving and loosing my job and connection to everyone I love and hold dear in life I didn’t see any other way out. You saved my life and that is enough and now your willing to save my career by lying for me? Are you sure you want to do that, I mean I promise I will go to the clinic and get help but I don’t deserve this second chance. I made my bed and while I regret it I deserve to lay in it.”  
“I am giving you this second chance because I believe you can recover and I sure as hell know you deserve it. And I know how much your job means to you so unless things don’t change I will do what I can t protect you from loosing it. You will probably get suspended but in time once Hotch believes you are ready I am sure he will let you come back.”  
“Thank you, thank you so much.”  
“I don’t want your thanks okay, I just want to see you happy again and I promise I will restore your happiness. Thinking you lost a friend is hard trust me I know and I also know I can’t even pretend to imagine what you are going through with your mum and her new diagnoses but just know this pretty boy you don’t have to fight this alone. And I know how much you hate taking the help we try to give you but not letting us help clearly hasn’t worked so this time I need you to trust me and let me in. I want to help you Spencer and I need you to let me.”  
“I will. I promise. You have given me a second chance at life, quite literally. I will fight this with you like I should have done ages ago. I am so sorry and I promise I will make it up to you.”  
“Thank you. And Reid I have something else to tell you. Something I have been keeping from you and something you deserve to know.”  
“Don’t tell me someone else I think is dead is actually alive. I mean don’t get me wrong I am beyond happy but also kind of fuming right now and don’t think I can even look in JJ's direction right now with out wanting to strangle her.”  
“Well its not that bad I promise.” I chuckle and try to find the next words but they seem caught on my tongue.  
“Spencer see the thing is I lo..” Just as I was about to confess my love or alternatively choke on the remaining syllables yet to come out of my mouth a hysteric Penelope barges through the door interrupting me by accident and taking the attention away from the words I now fear I will never get off my chest.  
“I AM SO FURIOUS AT YOU MISTER. YOU COULD HAVE DIED! WHAT WHERE YOU THINKING? IS THIS ALL BECAUSE OF EMILY! Oh wait, oh god Emily.” The last part of her rant was almost mute as she seemed to have realized that we may not know.  
“We know.” I replied to the question she hadn’t yet asked.  
“Can I have a moment with him alone?” Came a voice from the door way and I just about had a stroke out of shock.  
“Yeah sure.” I replied to the women only an hour ago I thought was dead and now was standing in front of me in the flesh. I hugged her before leaving her and Reid alone still in awe of the friend I thought I had buried.  
I leave the room and join JJ in the waiting area, as she seemed to finish informing the team of Reid’s ‘accidental overdose’ something I am glad they didn’t question or ask for details about. And as we all stood waiting for Emily to finish what she had to say to Reid and open up the door to let everyone else in to cry over him JJ quietly comes over and whispers so only I can hear.  
“Did you tell him?”  
It takes a second for me to realize what she was referring to but when I do I feel the lump in my throat grow.  
“I don’t know if I can. He needs to know he is cared for and loved but now I am being selfish and fearing what will happens when he finds out and doesn’t know how to respond because he doesn’t feel the same. Surely just knowing Emily’s alive is enough for the moment, I will tell him just not yet.”  
“Oh for the love of fuck. If you don’t then I will.”  
“What no! You can’t do that. That not fair!”  
“Your pussying out and I new this would happen. Trust me you need to tell him as clearly he isn’t going to or he bloody would have already.”  
“What are you talking about?”  
“Gods he’s liked you for years. Just hasn’t said anything because he was adamant you where straight and I never interfered because I thought you were to.”  
“Wait, he likes me? My pretty boy likes me back?”  
“YES THAT’S WHY I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO SAY.” That bit she just about screamed and this caught the attention of the whole team but I couldn’t care less.  
Storming into Spencer’s room completely ignoring Emily and interrupting there heart to heart I run to his side and just went for it. Kissing him deeply catching both him and myself by surprise.  
I pulled away to see a grinning JJ and Emily to the side of me but ignored them again giving all my attention to the man I should have kissed a long time ago.  
“You pull any shit like that again so help me god I will kill you, you hear me.”  
He just pulled me back in for another kiss in which I obviously didn’t argue about and once we pulled away for air he whispered to my ear.  
“I love you and I promise I will never leave you again.”  
And it was then that I finally believed and trusted him.  
My pretty boy was going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first published fanfiction so feedback (preferably positive or constructive criticism) would be lovely and if this is enjoyed i do have some more to add to this to make it into a small mini series.  
> So please let me know what you thought and if you would like to see some more Derek/Spencer fics as i have plenty written and numerous ideas for more to write in the future.  
> Sorry that this first one was a little dark and full on but i promise future works will be more happier although i am a sucker for hurt/comfort fanfics so expect to see more like this just not so full on in the future.  
> Any suggestions for future works are welcome so if you want to see something specific to follow this then let me know and i'll take it into consideration.


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